In the middle I am. Must be having a midlife crisis, thought it seems cliche. Not an exact moment, rather a cycle.....that spans years. Like 5-10 years. Around 40 you realize you are not 30 anymore. 50 seems too far off to think about right now. But 45. Seems right smack dab in the middle of 90. A good life expectency - 90 seems to run in my family give or take a few years. So here I am in the middle. I turn 45 on April 12th. I am just now in the middle of raising my family at 45 as most of us mothers are 'starting later' to have babies. I had Garrett at 31, Hayley at 33 and Megan at 35. Baby #4 who would have become Annabel was miscarried on Valentines Day 2001. She would be in 1st grade now. My parents are getting older. 70. I am feeling that pull now as the only daughter to begin helping my parents into retirement - or whatever "stage" that is.
Downsizing, decluttering, the passing on of ancestral possessions to ME. I am not sure I am ready for this. When my mother was 45 it was 1982. I was out of the house and on my own, my brother soon to follow. My mother's mother came to live with us. I feel straddled between my parents growing older, and my children growing up. FAST. I am not ready to take on the care of my parents. I need breathing room! I need a vacation before all that starts! Thats supposed to happen when my kids are grown and in college - like give me another 10 years!
I miss the days where things were simple, where there was promise and hope felt each day when the kids were little. Before they entered public school.Naps. Wonder. (when walking on our country road one day with Garrett in hand and Hayley in stroller I pointed out the growth of moss on a boulder to which my son looked at me in amazement and said:
"Mom, that's not moss, that's broccoli" and kept trudging up hill, proud of his proclamation
I miss all of that. My kids are growing at warp speed. I do not hold them back, or hinder their growth and independence.......however the melancholy sets in from time to time, as I recall simpler times filled with promise and hope. It was just THERE. I guess I have to look a little harder each day to find it, to see it and feel it again. Garrett's music does it for me. Hayleys beauty and compassion does if for me. Megan's angelic singing voice and visual art does it for me......and Mark's strength and perseverance.........
In the mean time I can keep baking muffins with the kids, knit baby sweaters for friends, color with crayons, read aloud to the kids at bedtime, and plant my garden this spring and await the promise and hope of a bountiful harvest of vegetables that start as seeds and grow into something splendorous.
Growth, change and evolution can be painful, and at the same time grand. Depends on how I am looking at it and what I am looking for that day. Today seems bleak, the schedule overwhelming, my family spiraling in different directions. I long for a hearty rosemary chicken dinner, candles on the table, my family in one place. There's Promise and Hope that will happen on Sunday! Maybe we can even color after dinner and read books aloud.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Listening
They say our body tells us what we need to know.......if we would only just pay attention. Well, since I arrived home from Mexico, I have had problems with vertigo - which thankfully has subsided. Vertigo -balance........a bodily sensation sending me a message about balance. Am I in balance? What is out of balance? So the vertigo leaves........but this peculiar EAR thing stays. I am not one to run to doctors for antibiotics unless I am dying and they have done an actual TEST to see what BACTERIA is present that antibiotic will work on. ( So many doctors placate parents or impatient patients with antibiotics to make them feel like they are "doing" something about it. Otherwise it is worthless to put antibiotics into the system, making our bodies antibiotic resistent - for when we really need them. So, I belive this is a low grade, hanger onner, ear infection of the mild and annoying type. Some days it feels like tension, some days it aches, some days it's not there. I've been back from Mexico ( where I contracted the origianal cold virus) for 10 weeks now. Now I'm getting a little ticked off, as chronic annoyances like this on top of the daily grind just makes me logey and irritable.
So, I've had it with the golfball lymph nodes in my neck. Otherwise I have no symptoms , save the occasional ear jab that just pisses me off. I'm goin' in! Breaking out my arsenal of remedies! I'm going to really get rid of the annoyance once and for all. I've taken Tylenol, Garlic, Omega 3's, Multivite, Herb teas, Spirulina and Calcium (its what I have on hand. ) Next. hot compresses to the neck. Peroxide in the ears, push more fluids. Grapefruit Seed Extract gulped down in water - ick.
Then, for the real work.....the internal work..... WHY my ears? WHY my throat ( which doesn't hurt, but it's where the ache is.......) WHY do my ears and throat ache? What are they trying to tell me? The ache is not pain really, it's ache. Plain old ache. Throat - Expression. Throat chakra - color blue. What am I not expressing? What am I holding back that is "balling up" in my throat? What needs to be let go? Ears: For hearing, for listening. What is it that I don't want to hear?
Perhaps a meditation to listen to what I don't want to hear, to say what I need to say. If I listen lately all I seem to hear is bickering in my house. Disprespect. Who wouldn't want to shut their ears to that? The vibration in my house is bring up old crusty issues from childhood where I was not respected or listened to , or worst of all ;physically tossed out on my ear. Ouch. I seem to have been transported back through a time warp - to a place I thought I had forgotten. The lump in my throat that always felt like I needed to release and cry but was always told to shut up, buck up, , get over it, build a thicker skin. What do I need to EXPRESS? Hmm. Only to have it fall on deaf ears? That won't work will it.
Perhaps an open letter to my family to "say" what I need to say and get things back on course where we are more respectful and loving, peaceful and calm, compassoinate and caring. Perhaps a letter to my family of origin to "say" what I need to say, to release and burn the letter in a ritual fire........
I think what I need to express is that I matter, you matter, we all matter. Let's start listening. If our ears are shut or otherwise clogged or aching, we cannot hear. If we can't hear another one's pain or joy, our hearts are not open. Open hearts, open arms, open ears, more peace.
In the quiet of today I can get there. A hot pot of tea, I have Amish Cinnamon Bread baking and the house smells humble and cozy. The spring birds have at last returned and I can HEAR their song. I have three precious hours before the madness of kids tumble in ....with tea I will go LISTEN to what my ears and throat have to say. And, instead of sharing through voice, I think I will write what I want others to HEAR.
Read silently, they can do their own reflecting. No more bickering. Open hearts, open arms,open ears, more peace. Maybe this is what my ears and throat are telling me. My body wants more peace. In the hurried pace of today's living this is what we need. More peace. Slower pace, Simpicity. Calm. From that place within spirit - we can rise up into our creativity, our clarity, our potential and be conscious human beings making a difference in the lives of our children and on the planet.
Go, and listen to your body talk, your soul needs. When we are in rhythm with our bodies, we are in rhythm with the Goddess, Gaia, Mother Nature. There is peace in that place.
So, I've had it with the golfball lymph nodes in my neck. Otherwise I have no symptoms , save the occasional ear jab that just pisses me off. I'm goin' in! Breaking out my arsenal of remedies! I'm going to really get rid of the annoyance once and for all. I've taken Tylenol, Garlic, Omega 3's, Multivite, Herb teas, Spirulina and Calcium (its what I have on hand. ) Next. hot compresses to the neck. Peroxide in the ears, push more fluids. Grapefruit Seed Extract gulped down in water - ick.
Then, for the real work.....the internal work..... WHY my ears? WHY my throat ( which doesn't hurt, but it's where the ache is.......) WHY do my ears and throat ache? What are they trying to tell me? The ache is not pain really, it's ache. Plain old ache. Throat - Expression. Throat chakra - color blue. What am I not expressing? What am I holding back that is "balling up" in my throat? What needs to be let go? Ears: For hearing, for listening. What is it that I don't want to hear?
Perhaps a meditation to listen to what I don't want to hear, to say what I need to say. If I listen lately all I seem to hear is bickering in my house. Disprespect. Who wouldn't want to shut their ears to that? The vibration in my house is bring up old crusty issues from childhood where I was not respected or listened to , or worst of all ;physically tossed out on my ear. Ouch. I seem to have been transported back through a time warp - to a place I thought I had forgotten. The lump in my throat that always felt like I needed to release and cry but was always told to shut up, buck up, , get over it, build a thicker skin. What do I need to EXPRESS? Hmm. Only to have it fall on deaf ears? That won't work will it.
Perhaps an open letter to my family to "say" what I need to say and get things back on course where we are more respectful and loving, peaceful and calm, compassoinate and caring. Perhaps a letter to my family of origin to "say" what I need to say, to release and burn the letter in a ritual fire........
I think what I need to express is that I matter, you matter, we all matter. Let's start listening. If our ears are shut or otherwise clogged or aching, we cannot hear. If we can't hear another one's pain or joy, our hearts are not open. Open hearts, open arms, open ears, more peace.
In the quiet of today I can get there. A hot pot of tea, I have Amish Cinnamon Bread baking and the house smells humble and cozy. The spring birds have at last returned and I can HEAR their song. I have three precious hours before the madness of kids tumble in ....with tea I will go LISTEN to what my ears and throat have to say. And, instead of sharing through voice, I think I will write what I want others to HEAR.
Read silently, they can do their own reflecting. No more bickering. Open hearts, open arms,open ears, more peace. Maybe this is what my ears and throat are telling me. My body wants more peace. In the hurried pace of today's living this is what we need. More peace. Slower pace, Simpicity. Calm. From that place within spirit - we can rise up into our creativity, our clarity, our potential and be conscious human beings making a difference in the lives of our children and on the planet.
Go, and listen to your body talk, your soul needs. When we are in rhythm with our bodies, we are in rhythm with the Goddess, Gaia, Mother Nature. There is peace in that place.
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