Promise and Hope

In the middle I am. Must be having a midlife crisis, thought it seems cliche. Not an exact moment, rather a cycle.....that spans years. Like 5-10 years. Around 40 you realize you are not 30 anymore. 50 seems too far off to think about right now. But 45. Seems right smack dab in the middle of 90. A good life expectency - 90 seems to run in my family give or take a few years. So here I am in the middle. I turn 45 on April 12th. I am just now in the middle of raising my family at 45 as most of us mothers are 'starting later' to have babies. I had Garrett at 31, Hayley at 33 and Megan at 35. Baby #4 who would have become Annabel was miscarried on Valentines Day 2001. She would be in 1st grade now. My parents are getting older. 70. I am feeling that pull now as the only daughter to begin helping my parents into retirement - or whatever "stage" that is.
Downsizing, decluttering, the passing on of ancestral possessions to ME. I am not sure I am ready for this. When my mother was 45 it was 1982. I was out of the house and on my own, my brother soon to follow. My mother's mother came to live with us. I feel straddled between my parents growing older, and my children growing up. FAST. I am not ready to take on the care of my parents. I need breathing room! I need a vacation before all that starts! Thats supposed to happen when my kids are grown and in college - like give me another 10 years!

I miss the days where things were simple, where there was promise and hope felt each day when the kids were little. Before they entered public school.Naps. Wonder. (when walking on our country road one day with Garrett in hand and Hayley in stroller I pointed out the growth of moss on a boulder to which my son looked at me in amazement and said:

"Mom, that's not moss, that's broccoli" and kept trudging up hill, proud of his proclamation

I miss all of that. My kids are growing at warp speed. I do not hold them back, or hinder their growth and independence.......however the melancholy sets in from time to time, as I recall simpler times filled with promise and hope. It was just THERE. I guess I have to look a little harder each day to find it, to see it and feel it again. Garrett's music does it for me. Hayleys beauty and compassion does if for me. Megan's angelic singing voice and visual art does it for me......and Mark's strength and perseverance.........

In the mean time I can keep baking muffins with the kids, knit baby sweaters for friends, color with crayons, read aloud to the kids at bedtime, and plant my garden this spring and await the promise and hope of a bountiful harvest of vegetables that start as seeds and grow into something splendorous.

Growth, change and evolution can be painful, and at the same time grand. Depends on how I am looking at it and what I am looking for that day. Today seems bleak, the schedule overwhelming, my family spiraling in different directions. I long for a hearty rosemary chicken dinner, candles on the table, my family in one place. There's Promise and Hope that will happen on Sunday! Maybe we can even color after dinner and read books aloud.